An Apology

I feel like I owe you an apology. Yes, you. As the results of the Superterrific primaries rolled in last night, I was sweating bullets. I thought I had inadvertently done something horrible, and possibly changed the course of history forever. Some call it the Butterfly Effect -- in this case, I'll refer to it as the Cornhole Effect.

First, a little explanation. As some of you know, I'm in a skeeball league. In celebration of the Super Bowl, the organizers of said league got people together for a cornhole tournament (many of you probably know this game simply as "bags"). The cornhole skills I apparently acquired while at Iowa State, combined with the much more amazing 'hole skills of my teammate, Alison, a fellow Cyclone, carried us to victory. We took down a seemingly unbeatable duo in the championship match, 22-13. (I think they seemed unbeatable because one of their team members had a kick-ass mustache, which I think he should put some wax in and curl it up like a railroad tycoon.)

About now (or a while ago), you're probably asking yourself what a victory in a tailgating game has to do with Super Tuesday. And now I will tell you: Our team name was Mike Shuckabee. After we won the tournament on Sunday, I jokingly said that we probably had just boosted Huckabee's poll numbers by at least five or six points, and he'd be leading the Republican race come Wednesday morning. As I watched the numbers come in last night, I feared I may have predicted the future.

At a little before 11 p.m., John McCain had a solid lead. But, surprisingly, Huckabee was in second, leading Mitt Romney. (In case you don't know my feelings about Huckabee and Romney, I think they both have excellent potential to be a worse president than Bush, making them the worst president in the nation's history.) Huckabee had won West Virginia (albeit shadily), Tennessee, Georgia, and Arkansas, and was leading in Alabama and Missouri. I immediately got on the horn to Alison (and by "got on the horn," I mean that I texted her). "I fear we may have boosted [Huckabee's] numbers with our stunning cornhole victory," quoth I, only nine-tenths joking. "We did set the stage for his comeback," quoth she in return. "Nevermore," quoth the raven.

I was never actually nervous that Huckabee would come away from last night with a lead in the Party Nomination Race That Scares the Living Hell Out of Me, but I thought I may have inadvertently kept him in the race longer and moved him one step closer to the White House -- which is about eight steps too many.

And for that, I'm sorry.

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Primary Election Results